SHAKE IT OFF!

I made a post on Facebook today, as I was led in spirit to do, that talked about shaking it off. I mentioned how I would say that to my children when they would hurt themselves. If they fell off of their bike and got scraped, yes obviously I would kiss and hug them, as well as dress their wounds, but outside of that, there was simply no room for prolonged suffering. "Ok, now shake it off." I would say to them, and I would watch them literally shake their body and wipe the tears away.

This, my friends, is the same advice that I would like to give to you today. Listen, I completely understand suffering and pain. I understand heartache and heart break. I get depression, stress, anxiety and fear. However, I also fully understand healing and the freedom and power it brings. I float freely on the cloud provided by the power of forgiveness and the release of liability from the pain others have tried to inflict. I have realized a renewed mind and spirit since "shaking it off". I recognize how dispelling fear, releasing anger and anxiety, removing people and things that serve to block your blessings, and how letting go of strongholds and binding addictions will open up new windows and doors of opportunity. I know firsthand how these things will help you begin to view yourself in a different light, and how you will start to feel a new love of self - one that had eluded you for so long.

A different perspective

These are things that I have personally experienced, not just something I've heard. Once I realized my own worth, and decided that greatness is what I wanted to achieve, I had to figure out how to get there. For me that took shaking off everything holding me back - including me, the way I was at the time. I had to discover that, despite my past aggressions and decisions, I deserved happiness, I deserved success and most certainly I deserved to be great! So do you! If you don't recognize your own worth, I can promise you that no one else will either; and on the off chance that someone does, your self-doubt will quickly cause them to lose sight of it. You know the old saying, and I may be paraphrasing:

"You must love yourself first before you can give or receive love from others"

It's really just that simple. Figure out who you are and where you want to go, and take the necessary steps to get there. For some it may take therapy, church, writing a book, going on a retreat - or some combination thereof. Whatever it takes is exactly what you need to do. Merely existing should not be an option because we only get one spin on this Ferris wheel called life. It is time to start living and living with purpose. The only way to start doing that effectively is to SHAKE IT OFF!

Stop Suffering in Silence and Love Yourself...First

 

Ok ladies, I am here to give it to you straight. I’m singling you out from the men, because it seems that we are the ones who have the greatest problem with two major issues; one, suffering in silence and two, not loving ourselves first. Hopefully, we can change this pattern of thinking right here, right now.

 

Let’s look at these issues separately. Many of us, even with cultural differences, were raised to be strong. We were raised with the notion that what happens in the house - stays in the house, or to sweep it under the rug. I’m no different. When traumatic things happened within the family, that’s where it was supposed to stay. Think about how ridiculous that actually is. I’ve seen families go to the extremes of concealing predators, killers, and other criminals due to this twisted way of thinking. Suffering in silence is not only detrimental to our physical health, in terms of stress-related illnesses, but also to our long-term emotional well-being. Not facing, coping with, and healing from things in an appropriate and healthy manner always causes problems with our mental stability – whether or not you choose to admit it. How do I know this? Because I lived it. I am the person I’m describing, and you may be too. My past includes child sexual abuse for many years, family lies that concealed the identity of my biological father, rape, domestic violence and more. Through all of this, I figured that I was strong enough to handle it on my own. My upbringing taught me to deal with things this way. By the time I reached adulthood, I was really messed up emotionally, and had not even realized it. These experiences affected how I related to people, how I handled certain situations, and most importantly, how I viewed and treated myself. While I used extreme vanity and sex to mask my true feelings, I was dying inside from low self-esteem. I never seemed to feel worthy enough or happy enough.  I didn’t trust people and believed that everyone had a hidden agenda. Without facing these issues, I simply existed.  Really living just wasn’t an option for me. This caused me to make many harmful decisions as it related to my existence. Eventually, after writing my debut novel and other subsequent changes and realizations, I began to understand exactly how unhealthy and life-threatening trying to deal with things alone was for me. I just don’t want you to travel down the same road that I did, and if you are already in this place, know that it is not too late to make healthier decisions.

 

Making healthier decisions is the ultimate sign of showing yourself just how much you love you. Forgiveness, dependent upon your history, is usually the first step. Forgiveness of self before all others. Know that every one of us has made decisions that we are not proud of. We have all made choices that put us in harmful situations, or have found ourselves practicing destructive behaviors. Just know that we can use that strength that we hold so dear to elevate ourselves. My book states that, “Forgiveness is the ultimate feeling of release and freedom”. I firmly believe that, without this vital step, we will never experience true happiness, or completely fulfilling relationships with others. There is sufficient truth to the saying that we cannot love others until we first love ourselves.

 

On another note, there are some other keys to happiness that you must understand. One of which is the understanding that you cannot change anyone. Many of us delve into relationships, carrying our own brokenness, and believing that we can change or fix the other person. When will we learn that no matter how strong we believe ourselves to be, this is simply not possible? People are going to be who they are constructed to be. They may compromise some, or make attempts at changing some behaviors, but ultimately, the core of who they are will never change. A large part of loving ourselves above all others is by not accepting torture in the form of abuse, disrespect, and behavior that consistently shows ones true colors. We were made with intuition for a reason. When something seems off, so much so that you feel the need to seek counsel even, it probably is. Ladies, we are worthy of joy, and a love that many of us have never known. Believing that you are worthy is all that it takes. You can proclaim to your friends and others that you’re worthy, but until you believe it, wholeheartedly, within your soul, you will remain damaged.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Souraya Christine

 

Author of “When is Strong, Strong Enough? How to Push Through the Pain”

Available on Amazon, Kindle, Nook, and most other book outlets.

The Theft of Innocence

I was going to write this yesterday and wasn't able to get to it. I believe that the universe wanted me to experience the events of today first. In recent years, I have been hearing more and more stories about parents murdering their children. This has to be the most sickening atrocity plaguing our world - in my opinion anyway.

Now my son, who is seven years old, drives me up a wall! I mean really, some days I feel as though I just can't take it. Today even, I considered shipping him off to live with his father in another state. He has extreme behavior problems. He acts out very often and I am consistently getting calls from the schools to pick him up early. I can't even hold a regular job because of this issue. He is only a first-grader and has already been kicked out of several programs and one school. The doctor says that he has ADHD and has him on medication to treat that disorder. It does seem to help him focus a bit better in school, but sometimes he still has issues. Most times, he lies like a professional and gives me major attitude, and other times, he's an angel with perfect manners. I often wonder how many more years I will have to deal with this. Will he ever change? Did I do something wrong?

I say all of this to say that I completely understand how frustrating children can be. I get how they can unleash awful feelings of anger, disappointment and pain. I also understand however, the beauty in them. I have, through this process with my son, learned how to practice patience. What I do not get is how a parent can snatch the life of their own child away - even in moments of extreme anger. This is a selfish and cowardly act. No matter what the circumstances were surrounding your pregnancy, you CHOSE to have that child. If you were questioning your ability to raise it, or failed to consider all of the possible outcomes after having it, then you should have chosen differently. We all have many different options when faced with pregnancy. Keeping your legs closed, or at the very least, utilizing birth control options, just to name a couple. If you have recognized that you have anger management issues, the mature thing to do would be to get help prior to something tragic happening. This story is just one of the countless number of these crimes against defenseless children:
Mother makes up story about kidnapping to cover up murder

Life is full of challenges, disappointments, and other problems. Some of them will come from the people we're supposed to love. We are even the cause of some of those things in other people's lives. Regardless of this fact, we can not go around eliminating everyone that causes us pain for a time...especially not our children. Rather than viciously taking a child's life, how about you choose to give them to someone who desperately wants and needs the love of a child? If you choose to have children that you are unequipped to care for, the least you could do is have a contingency plan that does not include murder. However, if death is the option you choose, then I'd prefer that you take your own instead, because it seems that you are the problem, not the child.

Today, I decided...

Earlier this afternoon, I was driving on the highway and literally caught myself thinking so intensely that I wasn't even focused on where I was going. I realized, during that time of absence from the road, that my mindset was still messed up a bit. By that I mean that my thinking, about success especially, was still very limited. I was continuing to stand in my own way, even as I grow in the world of speaking engagements, novels written, etc..., I am still the one blocking me. I figured out, during this drive, that I still got nervous about wanting fame and attention. I've heard so many people equate those things to being selfish and self-centered, and I certainly didn't want to be perceived in that way. HA! Then it dawned on me...small minds can't handle big dreams! And I don't say that to put anyone down, just to say that I, too, was small-minded. I secretly desired to be recognized and known for my works, but I was too afraid to allow my mind to fully grasp that concept; for if I did, I would be looked upon as full of myself. It doesn't come much smaller-minded than that! (is that a word?)

Several years ago, I recall watching the film, "The Secret". I credit the secret, very heavily, for changing my views on life, the world, the universe, and my own mind. I started to realize, and truly understand that I had full control over my mind, my mouth, and what those things could bring into existence in my life...both good and bad. What I hadn't realized yet was that I only allowed it to work to a certain degree. I was apparently afraid of greatness, because with that came judgement. I wanted my powers to be used for good, so if they were perceived to be being used for the evil of selfishness, well...I just couldn't have that.
The Secret

Today, I decided to take the parameters off of my thinking; off of knowing what my God and my universe can and will supply for me. Today, I decided that, regardless of what people may perceive me to be, I desire greatness! Today, I decided that it's ok for me to want to be recognized and well-known for the things I do and accomplish because I work very hard to accomplish them. Today, I decided that I will no longer worry about the opinions of others, and even when I ask for feedback, it's simply for you to feel included...hoping that, perhaps one day, you too will embrace your greatness and demand that the universe align perfectly for you to achieve it!

What will you decide today?

When You Hurt, I Hurt...(National Sexual Assault Awareness & Child Abuse Prevention month)

April is both National Sexual Assault Awareness month and National Child Abuse Prevention month. I, unfortunately, fell into both categories. Well, sort of. Some of the sexual abuse I experienced was as a child.

The Backdrop:
When I was five, I was molested by an older female cousin. When I was seven, I was molested for four years by my mother's live-in boyfriend. When I was fifteen, I was date raped, and when I was eighteen I was forced into a marriage, held hostage, and beaten and raped daily. I didn't have a father because I was lied to about who my father was, which took a drastic toll on my whole persona.

The Outcome
These experiences left a hole in my soul. I was unable to trust, love, or experience many other emotions other than anger and hate. Over time I learned to mask these feelings, or so I thought. People wondered why I always "looked" so angry, why I couldn't keep a boyfriend and why I didn't have many friends. I justified it all as just having a strong personality. Even the people closest to me, some who had known me since elementary school, had no idea of the hell I had been through. Some of those people learned to accept me for who I was, others chose to walk away. It didn't matter much to me, at that time, because everyone was suspicious anyway. I believed that everyone who came into my world had an ulterior motive. The worst part is that I treated them as such. My attitude was such that I would not allow anyone to hurt me again. It worked to a certain degree, but I missed out on so much along the way. I started to use sex as a weapon and figured that if I gave it to them then they couldn't take it from me. I was afraid to say no. Women couldn't stand my attitude, which caused me to have to fight a lot, and I became very comfortable with being alone.

~Does any of this sound familiar?~

 

The Growth

In recent years, I started to realize that I could no longer play the victim role. I realized that I was chosen to experience what I had experienced so that I could help someone else who may not feel that they have enough strength to make it through. Perhaps I can help someone avoid suicide or causing harm to themselves or someone else. Perhaps I can help someone realize their own worth, as I finally have. This was and is my purpose.

 

The Mission

There are so many women and men who suffer in silence behind childhood abuses, domestic violence situations, and so many other atrocities. Someone has to share their story so that these people can see that there is someone out there who understands and can completely relate to how they're feeling. I am that person. I know what emotions you're struggling with. Facing these experiences head on is the key. We can not continue to hide behind masks, stuff our emotions down inside and believe that if we do that long enough, we'll be okay. Truth is, it just doesn't work that way. Our kids end up suffering because we have unhealthy emotional baggage, and so do other people around us. It doesn't have to be this way. Let's get through it together. This can be your start. Share your story here and we can move on from here.

 

I love love today...and I just want to love on YOU! Trust me, you deserve it.



 

 



BULLYING..The Simple Truth

Recently, I was asked by a group of constituents if I had ever been bullied or been a bully. My immediate answer was "No! Bullying never affected me". What a lie! I realized that I lied completely unintentionally. Apparently my mouth spoke faster than my brain was working.

I absolutely had been bullied! I was only five years old and was being chased home from school every day. I would get locked in the middle of a circle of girls who would take turns hitting and pushing me. This went on for quite a while until the day I finally stood up for myself. It is certainly not an experience that I am proud of, but it did serve to help shape the person I am today. The simple truth is that we all experience things in life that ultimately help to mold the person we are to become. Unfortunately, sometimes some of us succumb to the negative effects of bullying and never make it to see the person we could have become. This breaks my heart. When I hear stories of 10 year old children taking their own lives because they couldn't cope with bullying, it makes my physically ill...as it should every human with heart and compassion for their fellow human. Don't understand? Watch this:

Ten year old commits suicide because of bullying

Here's what I've learned about bullies: Most of the time, kids bully because they are being bullied at home. This causes them to seek out someone who appears weaker than they are, in some aspect, and exact there anger and frustration onto the person that they believe to be inferior. Sometimes people, especially girls, use bullying as a way to boost their own self-esteem. They believe that degrading someone else will effectively make them appear more beautiful or popular. It's a sad distortion that has to be fixed. These cycles have to be broken.

Parents, our children are valuable. In fact, they are the most valuable resource that we have and we're either destroying them or allowing them to destroy themselves. Don't think it applies to you? Well, it does! Regardless to whether or not your child is personally affected by bullying, it takes a village to raise a child...or haven't you heard that before? We seem to have lost that along the way somewhere. Our children, and our neighbor's children, need us to care for them and protect them, not cause them more grief. If you're the parent bullying your child at home, it's time to break that cycle. Just because you went through it doesn't mean that your child should also be a victim. Instead of creating generations of abuse and hurt, how about we start to build generations of love and support? It is entirely possible AND entirely up to us.

HOMEWORK:

1. Realize that there is a problem
2. Seek out professional help (if you have no insurance or means to pay for this then find someone else to talk to, or contact me)
3. Begin to practice new behaviors (such as, expressing love, supporting their ideas and endeavors, becoming involved in school experiences and functions)
4. Make these new behaviors a habit
5. Talk to your kids about bullying and show them the effects of bullying through documentary films, videos, news stories, etc...
6. Seek spiritual guidance (if this is your belief system)
7. Learn new behaviors for yourself (such as, stopping smoking, drinking, or abusing drugs; learn to pamper yourself)
8. Believe that you and your children deserve better and work toward it daily

Listen, I understand that the road won't be easy. Generally, nothing truly worth it is easy, but that's ok. It's ok to mess up along the way. The important part is that you continue to work hard at reaching your goal and that you never give up on each other. Your children...my children...need you, and you need them just as much. Recognize and realize that simple truth and I promise that life will begin to bring you brightness, comfort, and yes, even joy.

When Life Has Got You Down

I wanted to talk a little bit about the status of our mental health, as a community.

 I remember going through some traumatic events as a child, mainly molestation, and having my family say to “keep it in the house”. Translation – no one outside of the house should ever know. What I have realized over the years is that many of us continue to maintain this mindset. We believe that hurt should simply be tucked away and dealt with privately, instead of addressed and handled professionally, or at least positively. Families of color are the ones who seem to be most affected by this “traditional” manner of thinking. Why, you ask? Well, unfortunately, it usually has nothing to do with protecting the child, and everything to do with protecting and preserving the name and image of the family as well as the perpetrator. Families don’t want people “looking at them funny”.

 This is the cycle that needs to be broken. Not breaking it will instead leave behind broken individuals. You know the old adage, “hurt people hurt people”? It is very true and could easily be repaired by simply dealing with the pain. I firmly believe that my healing could have come much sooner had my childhood experiences been dealt with early in life.

 

Pain manifests in many different ways in each person affected. Oftentimes, unsettled pain leads to destructive behaviors and thinking patterns such as suicide, drugs, violence, alcoholism, predatory behaviors, the inability to maintain successful relationships, fear, trust issues, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and so many other unnecessary problems. It amazes me how a family could believe that allowing one of their own to suffer with these tormenting afflictions is somehow better than risking someone knowing a secret. These thought processes are what cause people to believe that suffering in silence is ok. Then what? You have continued domestic abuse, animal torture, moms and dads killing their families over money issues, young children killing their parents, people binged out on drugs and alcohol, and so on and so on.

 Yes, I know that there will be more pain when facing what ails you. I understand that people may find out the family’s dirty little secret, but the destruction behind not facing the demons head on is far worse.

 The Pain of Heartache

Why Does Life Have You Down?

 

See, there can be many different reasons why life may have you down. The most obvious outside influence is the economy. You also have internal influences however, which often stem from a string of compiling problems. For example, you lost your job, can’t get unemployment, begin drinking, marriage then falls apart, and now you’re contemplating suicide, suicide-murder, robbery, prostitution, etc… all simply trying to cope.  I know that this is an extreme scenario, but it is one that we have seen far too often on the news. Unfortunately ‘coping’ often begins the downward spiral. Simply coping is not the solution. Of course we must continue on with life, but in doing so we must also live life. Living life consists of completely embracing every moment…the good and the bad. None of us were designed to live a perfect life. If that were the case, I would have been first in line! Finding the strength within you to continue pressing forward, despite the obstacles, is what makes and shapes us as individuals. Any one of us can give up or give in. That is certainly the easiest thing to do. What is it, however, that you wish to define you? When your time here has come to its end, do you want people to remember you as the person who simply gave up, or for having a spirit of tenacity and facing life’s challenges head on? Do you care at all?

 

Remember this...

 

 

 

Here is some homework for you to complete that will have you well on your way to a happier you!

 

1.      Answer the question above. Do you care? Do you care about your physical and mental health? Do you care about the legacy you leave behind? Do you care what you pass down to the generations coming behind you?

2.      Write down EVERYTHING that you believe is a problem for you. (Money, Marriage, Career, School, etc…)

3.      Make a list of EVERYONE that you believe has harmed you in some way, either physically or mentally.

4.      Say a prayer, giving thanks for ALL things and people that have crossed your path. Believe it or not, they can all be credited for helping shape you. Pray for each of the individuals who have wronged you. Pray for forgiveness for those people, and forgiveness of self for harboring ill feelings, and allowing self-torment. Finally, pray for peace, wisdom, understanding, and the strength to be able to face any adversity without fear. Remembering that fear is simply an illusion.

5.      Learn how to forgive. The process is as follows…forgive yourself first, do not discuss  what hurt was caused to you to with people in anger, do not dwell on these hurts to yourself, do not confront the person(s) who wronged you in anger or with a heavy heart.

6.      Find ways to clear your mind such as prayer, meditation, physical exercise, fasting, etc… Incorporate these things into your regular daily routine.

7.      Seek professional help or at least talk with someone who may offer you a different point of view.

8.      As you clear negative feelings about each thing on your list, cross it off – completely so that you can’t even see it again!

9.      Once your list is completely checked off…BURN IT! Or give it a funeral and bury it ALL!

10.  Now, the hardest part, make a list of the positive things that you can do to help better your own situation, and actively start setting these things in motion..

 

CONGRATULATIONS! You are well on your way to a healthier, happier you! Remember, all obstacles, challenges, problems, strongholds, and otherwise adversities can and will be overcome when faced and dealt with positively. Know that you DO NOT have to suffer in silence.