BULLYING..The Simple Truth

Recently, I was asked by a group of constituents if I had ever been bullied or been a bully. My immediate answer was "No! Bullying never affected me". What a lie! I realized that I lied completely unintentionally. Apparently my mouth spoke faster than my brain was working.

I absolutely had been bullied! I was only five years old and was being chased home from school every day. I would get locked in the middle of a circle of girls who would take turns hitting and pushing me. This went on for quite a while until the day I finally stood up for myself. It is certainly not an experience that I am proud of, but it did serve to help shape the person I am today. The simple truth is that we all experience things in life that ultimately help to mold the person we are to become. Unfortunately, sometimes some of us succumb to the negative effects of bullying and never make it to see the person we could have become. This breaks my heart. When I hear stories of 10 year old children taking their own lives because they couldn't cope with bullying, it makes my physically ill...as it should every human with heart and compassion for their fellow human. Don't understand? Watch this:

Ten year old commits suicide because of bullying

Here's what I've learned about bullies: Most of the time, kids bully because they are being bullied at home. This causes them to seek out someone who appears weaker than they are, in some aspect, and exact there anger and frustration onto the person that they believe to be inferior. Sometimes people, especially girls, use bullying as a way to boost their own self-esteem. They believe that degrading someone else will effectively make them appear more beautiful or popular. It's a sad distortion that has to be fixed. These cycles have to be broken.

Parents, our children are valuable. In fact, they are the most valuable resource that we have and we're either destroying them or allowing them to destroy themselves. Don't think it applies to you? Well, it does! Regardless to whether or not your child is personally affected by bullying, it takes a village to raise a child...or haven't you heard that before? We seem to have lost that along the way somewhere. Our children, and our neighbor's children, need us to care for them and protect them, not cause them more grief. If you're the parent bullying your child at home, it's time to break that cycle. Just because you went through it doesn't mean that your child should also be a victim. Instead of creating generations of abuse and hurt, how about we start to build generations of love and support? It is entirely possible AND entirely up to us.

HOMEWORK:

1. Realize that there is a problem
2. Seek out professional help (if you have no insurance or means to pay for this then find someone else to talk to, or contact me)
3. Begin to practice new behaviors (such as, expressing love, supporting their ideas and endeavors, becoming involved in school experiences and functions)
4. Make these new behaviors a habit
5. Talk to your kids about bullying and show them the effects of bullying through documentary films, videos, news stories, etc...
6. Seek spiritual guidance (if this is your belief system)
7. Learn new behaviors for yourself (such as, stopping smoking, drinking, or abusing drugs; learn to pamper yourself)
8. Believe that you and your children deserve better and work toward it daily

Listen, I understand that the road won't be easy. Generally, nothing truly worth it is easy, but that's ok. It's ok to mess up along the way. The important part is that you continue to work hard at reaching your goal and that you never give up on each other. Your children...my children...need you, and you need them just as much. Recognize and realize that simple truth and I promise that life will begin to bring you brightness, comfort, and yes, even joy.

When Life Has Got You Down

I wanted to talk a little bit about the status of our mental health, as a community.

 I remember going through some traumatic events as a child, mainly molestation, and having my family say to “keep it in the house”. Translation – no one outside of the house should ever know. What I have realized over the years is that many of us continue to maintain this mindset. We believe that hurt should simply be tucked away and dealt with privately, instead of addressed and handled professionally, or at least positively. Families of color are the ones who seem to be most affected by this “traditional” manner of thinking. Why, you ask? Well, unfortunately, it usually has nothing to do with protecting the child, and everything to do with protecting and preserving the name and image of the family as well as the perpetrator. Families don’t want people “looking at them funny”.

 This is the cycle that needs to be broken. Not breaking it will instead leave behind broken individuals. You know the old adage, “hurt people hurt people”? It is very true and could easily be repaired by simply dealing with the pain. I firmly believe that my healing could have come much sooner had my childhood experiences been dealt with early in life.

 

Pain manifests in many different ways in each person affected. Oftentimes, unsettled pain leads to destructive behaviors and thinking patterns such as suicide, drugs, violence, alcoholism, predatory behaviors, the inability to maintain successful relationships, fear, trust issues, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and so many other unnecessary problems. It amazes me how a family could believe that allowing one of their own to suffer with these tormenting afflictions is somehow better than risking someone knowing a secret. These thought processes are what cause people to believe that suffering in silence is ok. Then what? You have continued domestic abuse, animal torture, moms and dads killing their families over money issues, young children killing their parents, people binged out on drugs and alcohol, and so on and so on.

 Yes, I know that there will be more pain when facing what ails you. I understand that people may find out the family’s dirty little secret, but the destruction behind not facing the demons head on is far worse.

 The Pain of Heartache

Why Does Life Have You Down?

 

See, there can be many different reasons why life may have you down. The most obvious outside influence is the economy. You also have internal influences however, which often stem from a string of compiling problems. For example, you lost your job, can’t get unemployment, begin drinking, marriage then falls apart, and now you’re contemplating suicide, suicide-murder, robbery, prostitution, etc… all simply trying to cope.  I know that this is an extreme scenario, but it is one that we have seen far too often on the news. Unfortunately ‘coping’ often begins the downward spiral. Simply coping is not the solution. Of course we must continue on with life, but in doing so we must also live life. Living life consists of completely embracing every moment…the good and the bad. None of us were designed to live a perfect life. If that were the case, I would have been first in line! Finding the strength within you to continue pressing forward, despite the obstacles, is what makes and shapes us as individuals. Any one of us can give up or give in. That is certainly the easiest thing to do. What is it, however, that you wish to define you? When your time here has come to its end, do you want people to remember you as the person who simply gave up, or for having a spirit of tenacity and facing life’s challenges head on? Do you care at all?

 

Remember this...

 

 

 

Here is some homework for you to complete that will have you well on your way to a happier you!

 

1.      Answer the question above. Do you care? Do you care about your physical and mental health? Do you care about the legacy you leave behind? Do you care what you pass down to the generations coming behind you?

2.      Write down EVERYTHING that you believe is a problem for you. (Money, Marriage, Career, School, etc…)

3.      Make a list of EVERYONE that you believe has harmed you in some way, either physically or mentally.

4.      Say a prayer, giving thanks for ALL things and people that have crossed your path. Believe it or not, they can all be credited for helping shape you. Pray for each of the individuals who have wronged you. Pray for forgiveness for those people, and forgiveness of self for harboring ill feelings, and allowing self-torment. Finally, pray for peace, wisdom, understanding, and the strength to be able to face any adversity without fear. Remembering that fear is simply an illusion.

5.      Learn how to forgive. The process is as follows…forgive yourself first, do not discuss  what hurt was caused to you to with people in anger, do not dwell on these hurts to yourself, do not confront the person(s) who wronged you in anger or with a heavy heart.

6.      Find ways to clear your mind such as prayer, meditation, physical exercise, fasting, etc… Incorporate these things into your regular daily routine.

7.      Seek professional help or at least talk with someone who may offer you a different point of view.

8.      As you clear negative feelings about each thing on your list, cross it off – completely so that you can’t even see it again!

9.      Once your list is completely checked off…BURN IT! Or give it a funeral and bury it ALL!

10.  Now, the hardest part, make a list of the positive things that you can do to help better your own situation, and actively start setting these things in motion..

 

CONGRATULATIONS! You are well on your way to a healthier, happier you! Remember, all obstacles, challenges, problems, strongholds, and otherwise adversities can and will be overcome when faced and dealt with positively. Know that you DO NOT have to suffer in silence.

 

Honesty and Integrity vs. Karma

If I've learned nothing else in life, I've learned that karma is unforgiving and relentless. The long term effects are simply not worth the instant gratification. Whether or not you're a spiritual person, right is right and wrong is wrong, and integrity should practiced by everyone. Integrity is just the practice of doing what is right, even when no one is watching.

Today, my integrity was heavily tested. This morning I awakened to a strange SUV parked in my driveway. This vehicle also happened to have a rather large amount of cash in it, in plain sight. My options were either to break into the car, take the money, then call the police and just say I found it that way; or call the police and let them handle it all. What do you think I did? What would you have done?

Here's a little backdrop, I lost my job last July and have had no real income since then, all of the bills are behind, and just yesterday I prayed hard for a lump sum of cash so that I could take care of some pressing things. I know, generally random lump sums of cash don't just spring from a tree, even after prayer, but hey...this time it just dropped into my driveway! Should I take this as an answer to my prayers, or a test of my character? Do I desire the cash so greatly that I am willing to steal for it? After all, it would be stealing - regardless of the fact that it was on my property. So now what?

Teaching children about stealing

Well, some of you will be proud of me, others will think I'm stupid. Either way, I'm satisfied with my decision. I did call the police, seeing as how there was a strange vehicle blocking my driveway, making my daughter late for her schoolbus. I did not however, steal the money inside. Even the officer said to me, "Just break the window, I'll go sit in the car." As tempting as that offer was, I opted to practice honesty and integrity. Who knows what that money was for. Perhaps it would have put the owner's life at risk. Perhaps taking it would have put mine at risk. I do have to ask though, what kind of idiot leaves that kind of money in the car for any passerby to see.

The moral of the story is simple, yes I could have taken the money and solved my financial problems, but that would have put me in a place of discomfort, worrying about recourse from the owner or worse, the universe. No amount of money or stuff is worth losing your peace of mind, soul, and it you believe like me...the favor of God.

When You Know Better, You Do Better...At Least That's What They Say

Over the past week, I have had this same conversation at least three times with three different people, so I felt the need to share it with you. As a race, black people, we have got to do better. People often say, if you know better you do better, but the truth is that we DO know better, yet we continue to choose a mentality that keeps our race behind the 8-ball.

This is what I mean...look at other races/cultures: white, asian, even some hispanic, and others...they tend to support their own. They build their own churches, restaurants, schools, insurance companies, banks, etc.... They help with the raising of children, circulate their funds within their own communities, and do whatever is necessary to ensure that their people thrive. We, on the other hand, in general, have more of a crab-in-a-bucket mentality. Although we need to purchase, receive services etc... we opt to take our money elsewhere and view our own people as threats instead of allies.

Everyone is out for self, it seems. It is evident in our communities, on social media platforms, even in our churches. What we don't seem to realize is how well supporting each other works for others, and how damaging we are to ourselves; yet we're quick to blame other races for our problems when we're the ones who CHOOSE to maintain a slave-like mentality. Not all of us are this way, true, but as a whole we are failing miserably in this area.

Now, I understand some of the reasons why. We lack customer service skills, our business owners seem lazy with their commitment and follow through, and we're often unprofessional in our actions and demeanor. These are things that I have personally witnessed when supporting my own, and it is these behaviors that are a huge part of the problem. We have got to develop our thinking beyond self and understand that, if we were to all do our part in supporting each other, there would be no stopping us. As a people, a race, a community, we would thrive. And what a positive effect this would have on so many other problems we face like low self-worth, violence, despair.

I know, I know...it's not YOU that I'm talking about. I understand. However, are you doing your part to bring us closer together instead of dividing and conquering? It's always been funny to me how we blame "the white man" for doing this, when we do it so much on our own that "they" don't even need to. Wake up black people! It's not like you don't recognize this concept. Let's own it. By practicing it daily and making a conscious effort to make changes we can and will be successful as a whole.

**Let me also say, for the people who will twist this into something crazy, I love ALL people. There is no shred of racism in me. There are things about all races that I both love and dislike. My goal is simply to educate the race to which I belong.**