The Theft of Innocence

I was going to write this yesterday and wasn't able to get to it. I believe that the universe wanted me to experience the events of today first. In recent years, I have been hearing more and more stories about parents murdering their children. This has to be the most sickening atrocity plaguing our world - in my opinion anyway.

Now my son, who is seven years old, drives me up a wall! I mean really, some days I feel as though I just can't take it. Today even, I considered shipping him off to live with his father in another state. He has extreme behavior problems. He acts out very often and I am consistently getting calls from the schools to pick him up early. I can't even hold a regular job because of this issue. He is only a first-grader and has already been kicked out of several programs and one school. The doctor says that he has ADHD and has him on medication to treat that disorder. It does seem to help him focus a bit better in school, but sometimes he still has issues. Most times, he lies like a professional and gives me major attitude, and other times, he's an angel with perfect manners. I often wonder how many more years I will have to deal with this. Will he ever change? Did I do something wrong?

I say all of this to say that I completely understand how frustrating children can be. I get how they can unleash awful feelings of anger, disappointment and pain. I also understand however, the beauty in them. I have, through this process with my son, learned how to practice patience. What I do not get is how a parent can snatch the life of their own child away - even in moments of extreme anger. This is a selfish and cowardly act. No matter what the circumstances were surrounding your pregnancy, you CHOSE to have that child. If you were questioning your ability to raise it, or failed to consider all of the possible outcomes after having it, then you should have chosen differently. We all have many different options when faced with pregnancy. Keeping your legs closed, or at the very least, utilizing birth control options, just to name a couple. If you have recognized that you have anger management issues, the mature thing to do would be to get help prior to something tragic happening. This story is just one of the countless number of these crimes against defenseless children:
Mother makes up story about kidnapping to cover up murder

Life is full of challenges, disappointments, and other problems. Some of them will come from the people we're supposed to love. We are even the cause of some of those things in other people's lives. Regardless of this fact, we can not go around eliminating everyone that causes us pain for a time...especially not our children. Rather than viciously taking a child's life, how about you choose to give them to someone who desperately wants and needs the love of a child? If you choose to have children that you are unequipped to care for, the least you could do is have a contingency plan that does not include murder. However, if death is the option you choose, then I'd prefer that you take your own instead, because it seems that you are the problem, not the child.

Today, I decided...

Earlier this afternoon, I was driving on the highway and literally caught myself thinking so intensely that I wasn't even focused on where I was going. I realized, during that time of absence from the road, that my mindset was still messed up a bit. By that I mean that my thinking, about success especially, was still very limited. I was continuing to stand in my own way, even as I grow in the world of speaking engagements, novels written, etc..., I am still the one blocking me. I figured out, during this drive, that I still got nervous about wanting fame and attention. I've heard so many people equate those things to being selfish and self-centered, and I certainly didn't want to be perceived in that way. HA! Then it dawned on me...small minds can't handle big dreams! And I don't say that to put anyone down, just to say that I, too, was small-minded. I secretly desired to be recognized and known for my works, but I was too afraid to allow my mind to fully grasp that concept; for if I did, I would be looked upon as full of myself. It doesn't come much smaller-minded than that! (is that a word?)

Several years ago, I recall watching the film, "The Secret". I credit the secret, very heavily, for changing my views on life, the world, the universe, and my own mind. I started to realize, and truly understand that I had full control over my mind, my mouth, and what those things could bring into existence in my life...both good and bad. What I hadn't realized yet was that I only allowed it to work to a certain degree. I was apparently afraid of greatness, because with that came judgement. I wanted my powers to be used for good, so if they were perceived to be being used for the evil of selfishness, well...I just couldn't have that.
The Secret

Today, I decided to take the parameters off of my thinking; off of knowing what my God and my universe can and will supply for me. Today, I decided that, regardless of what people may perceive me to be, I desire greatness! Today, I decided that it's ok for me to want to be recognized and well-known for the things I do and accomplish because I work very hard to accomplish them. Today, I decided that I will no longer worry about the opinions of others, and even when I ask for feedback, it's simply for you to feel included...hoping that, perhaps one day, you too will embrace your greatness and demand that the universe align perfectly for you to achieve it!

What will you decide today?

When You Hurt, I Hurt...(National Sexual Assault Awareness & Child Abuse Prevention month)

April is both National Sexual Assault Awareness month and National Child Abuse Prevention month. I, unfortunately, fell into both categories. Well, sort of. Some of the sexual abuse I experienced was as a child.

The Backdrop:
When I was five, I was molested by an older female cousin. When I was seven, I was molested for four years by my mother's live-in boyfriend. When I was fifteen, I was date raped, and when I was eighteen I was forced into a marriage, held hostage, and beaten and raped daily. I didn't have a father because I was lied to about who my father was, which took a drastic toll on my whole persona.

The Outcome
These experiences left a hole in my soul. I was unable to trust, love, or experience many other emotions other than anger and hate. Over time I learned to mask these feelings, or so I thought. People wondered why I always "looked" so angry, why I couldn't keep a boyfriend and why I didn't have many friends. I justified it all as just having a strong personality. Even the people closest to me, some who had known me since elementary school, had no idea of the hell I had been through. Some of those people learned to accept me for who I was, others chose to walk away. It didn't matter much to me, at that time, because everyone was suspicious anyway. I believed that everyone who came into my world had an ulterior motive. The worst part is that I treated them as such. My attitude was such that I would not allow anyone to hurt me again. It worked to a certain degree, but I missed out on so much along the way. I started to use sex as a weapon and figured that if I gave it to them then they couldn't take it from me. I was afraid to say no. Women couldn't stand my attitude, which caused me to have to fight a lot, and I became very comfortable with being alone.

~Does any of this sound familiar?~

 

The Growth

In recent years, I started to realize that I could no longer play the victim role. I realized that I was chosen to experience what I had experienced so that I could help someone else who may not feel that they have enough strength to make it through. Perhaps I can help someone avoid suicide or causing harm to themselves or someone else. Perhaps I can help someone realize their own worth, as I finally have. This was and is my purpose.

 

The Mission

There are so many women and men who suffer in silence behind childhood abuses, domestic violence situations, and so many other atrocities. Someone has to share their story so that these people can see that there is someone out there who understands and can completely relate to how they're feeling. I am that person. I know what emotions you're struggling with. Facing these experiences head on is the key. We can not continue to hide behind masks, stuff our emotions down inside and believe that if we do that long enough, we'll be okay. Truth is, it just doesn't work that way. Our kids end up suffering because we have unhealthy emotional baggage, and so do other people around us. It doesn't have to be this way. Let's get through it together. This can be your start. Share your story here and we can move on from here.

 

I love love today...and I just want to love on YOU! Trust me, you deserve it.