The Backdrop:
When I was five, I was molested by an older female cousin. When I was seven, I was molested for four years by my mother's live-in boyfriend. When I was fifteen, I was date raped, and when I was eighteen I was forced into a marriage, held hostage, and beaten and raped daily. I didn't have a father because I was lied to about who my father was, which took a drastic toll on my whole persona.
The Outcome
These experiences left a hole in my soul. I was unable to trust, love, or experience many other emotions other than anger and hate. Over time I learned to mask these feelings, or so I thought. People wondered why I always "looked" so angry, why I couldn't keep a boyfriend and why I didn't have many friends. I justified it all as just having a strong personality. Even the people closest to me, some who had known me since elementary school, had no idea of the hell I had been through. Some of those people learned to accept me for who I was, others chose to walk away. It didn't matter much to me, at that time, because everyone was suspicious anyway. I believed that everyone who came into my world had an ulterior motive. The worst part is that I treated them as such. My attitude was such that I would not allow anyone to hurt me again. It worked to a certain degree, but I missed out on so much along the way. I started to use sex as a weapon and figured that if I gave it to them then they couldn't take it from me. I was afraid to say no. Women couldn't stand my attitude, which caused me to have to fight a lot, and I became very comfortable with being alone.
~Does any of this sound familiar?~
The Growth
In recent years, I started to realize that I could no longer play the victim role. I realized that I was chosen to experience what I had experienced so that I could help someone else who may not feel that they have enough strength to make it through. Perhaps I can help someone avoid suicide or causing harm to themselves or someone else. Perhaps I can help someone realize their own worth, as I finally have. This was and is my purpose.
The Mission
There are so many women and men who suffer in silence behind childhood abuses, domestic violence situations, and so many other atrocities. Someone has to share their story so that these people can see that there is someone out there who understands and can completely relate to how they're feeling. I am that person. I know what emotions you're struggling with. Facing these experiences head on is the key. We can not continue to hide behind masks, stuff our emotions down inside and believe that if we do that long enough, we'll be okay. Truth is, it just doesn't work that way. Our kids end up suffering because we have unhealthy emotional baggage, and so do other people around us. It doesn't have to be this way. Let's get through it together. This can be your start. Share your story here and we can move on from here.
I love love today...and I just want to love on YOU! Trust me, you deserve it.
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